Yesterday was my cousin's funeral....I didn't go.
I didn't go because I wasn't able to, I didn't go because I was selfish and didn't want to.
Sorry Aunt Patsy.
Last week Scot decided that mortality was more than he could handle and decided that he couldn't go on anymore. It made me sad that he felt like he didn't have any other choice and then it made me mad that he was selfish enough to think that he didn't have any other choice. You don't get to decide that. Life isn't easy...deal with it.
I have had more than one person assume I didn't go to the funeral to protect my children...protect them from what? Life? Stupid choices? Bad decisions? Family?
I feel time like these are what as a Mom I have to grasp on to. Guess what kids? Drug and alcohol addiction runs up and down our family tree. STAY AWAY from drugs. DON'T drink. EVER! Who you choose to be your friends will shape the kind of person you are. DON'T make stupid choices.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to go on a field trip with Big J. We visited a couple court rooms and listened to some court cases. One involved a murder over a drug deal gone bad. A 21 year old kid had thrown his life away one step at a time and now he didn't have a choice in what happens to him. Then we toured a jail that isn't being used right now. It was a jail that my brother had spent time in. I took Big J aside and shared that with him. All of sudden it wasn't so fun being in that jail and seeing the ugly side of life.
I hate that that is part of what I have to teach my children....on a very personal level.
I am grateful that I have the Gospel to fall back on at this time. I am grateful that I have direction with what I should teach my children. I am grateful that I don't only have to teach my children what not to do....but what they should be doing. I am grateful that I am not alone. I am grateful that I know my Savior lives and loves me. I am grateful that I know that I am a Child of God.
Now it is my responsibility to make sure my children know that also.


  1. don't feel like you are being selfish. these things are hard and it's hard in this icky world. We are certainly blessed to have the gospel to hold on to and show us the way. . . and dear friends who are great examples.

    Hang in there!

  2. I know it's hard. My boys have gotten to watch the effects of drug and alcohol abuse with their uncle. He's had problems before, and we've always kept it from them, but this time there was no hiding it. And like you, I decided I didn't want to hide it or keep it from them anymore. I wanted them to see how bad it was and how much it messes up your life. And I was mad at my bro-in-law too, for messing up once again. I had a hard time being able to forgive him. Sorry your family had to deal with that.

  3. Lene, that's very well said. I could not imagine living in this world without the gospel of Jesus Christ. He is such a rock and a great standard to teach our children by. I love that you said we are teaching them not just what they shouldn't do (like drugs, etc) but also things that they should do (like service, baptism, prayer, etc) I'm so grateful to have Him as a guide in trying to be a parent in this world.

  4. I'm sorry you have lost a family member. I support you 100% in your decision. I would like to think I would do the same thing. It's so good to know that we have the gospel and our testimonies. I like to read your little note under your profile often. Helps me to remember to be happy and that it is my choice. Keep on...keeping on. Love, Jenn =)

  5. Lene,
    You could not have said it any better.
    With a suicide it really is hard to understand. I think it is wonderful that you are open with your children about the real life and our real family.
    Aunt Patsey knows how much you love her and that her family loves her and will always be here for her.
    I loved her post on the family page that she bets Scot's brother Steve is in heaven kicking his butt.

  6. I am sorry you had to go through that, ironically I had the same thing happen with a cousin of my(same time). Sadness doesn't completely describe the situation. You made a very good choice.