As I look back at the last year I just feel kind of blah. It just feels like it was a year where I existed and didn't really live. It wasn't the worst year I have ever had....not even close, but I feel like I wasted a perfectly good year and just let it get away from me. I feel like I have a better sense of who I am, but didn't really take the time to nurture or nourish my inner me. I gained weight - again, still, whatever. My spiritual side took a real hit a couple of years ago and still hasn't recovered, and this year I didn't even care. I think I was an adequate Mom, but not nearly the Mom I want to be. I was impatient and angry and didn't spend nearly enough time laughing and playing. Even though we played and laughed, it didn't even feel like it was nearly enough. Or maybe there is never enough?!? As a wife I tried to focus on the positive, but sometimes pointed fingers rather than looking in the mirror. Health-wise I didn't take care of myself. I am supposed to see the oncologist every quarter for testing...how many times did I go this year? None. Even with my mother-in-law's cancer scare it didn't get me motivated to go. Talk about apathy to the hilt. Plus I think my Uncle Charlie's passing has caused me more pain than I expected or was ready for. It has stirred up the grief I felt for my Mom and my brother who were both tied so closely to him in my heart.
We definitely had our high points also this year:
- We went from the sadness and questioning with Ham and autism to the last couple of months of huge progress. He is walking and talking. He is almost running...amazing. He is learning to hug and kiss...gotta love those open mouth baby kisses. He is even starting to say "love you". Huge people...HUGE.
- We had a sweet new niece join our family. She is the kind of baby that just makes me happy. She is so smiley....even as she is puking all over she does it with a smile.
- We celebrated turning 100 as a family.
- We had so much fun at the Williams Family Reunion this summer.
- We watched our little town grow from a tiny town with a post office, town hall and a one room library to a town with a Target and Walmart - not that Walmart is a high point - and other stores. We now have a big state of the art library with story-time. I can't even tell you how much I love our new library.
- We celebrated some major birthdays. Grandpa-great is 90! Ham turned 1. I turned 40. Big J turned 10. Along with all the other birthdays. Big Daddy turned 34. Einstein is 9. Roo turned 6. And LaLa turned 3.
- I started my blog. I love my blog and all that has happened because of it. I love the friends I have made. All of you out there in this crazy, bloggy world have made a huge impact in my life this last year. I am so glad I took the plunge and started it. Even if I was afraid I didn't have anything to say. Or that my writing skills are severely lacking. There is a line from "The Forgotten Carols" where the little angel, after he has been rejected from the choir of angels, says to the chorus master "If only you could hear the song in my heart." Well that is kind of how I feel when writing my blog. If only you could hear the words of my heart. I wish I was better at getting the words from my heart to the computer.
So now as this year comes to a close and I plan on spending tonight saying goodbye to it with the people that mean the most to me - my husband and my kidlets. I hope we are all in bed and asleep long before the clock strikes mid-night, but if not I hope we are laughing and having fun. I look forward to this new year ahead of us. I plan on taking this year and making it the best ever. I am not going to wait for anyone or anything to make it the best....I am going to take it upon myself to do that!
So for this year I have picked my word of the year for 2009. It is so simple, but not as easy as it looks. For 2009 my word of the year is......
I am going to live like I mean it, no more mere existing.