HappyBirthday Mom - I Miss You

Today my Mom would be 66 years old.

On the 25th of this month it will be 14 years since she passed away, which seems totally impossible that it has been that long ago. She had heart problems for years before she passed away. I am the youngest of 5 kids and I was lucky enough to be back living at home after college when she was really sick. My older sister and middle brother were married and taking care of young families, my oldest brother was just being himself (i.e. in jail), and my youngest brother and I were able to live with her and my Dad help take care of her the last few years of her life. My brother worked nights and took her to all her doctor appointments and handled the day to day stuff. I worked days and took care of her. I helped her shave her legs. I helped her do her hair. All the stuff that she hated having help on, but I feel so blessed that I was able to serve her in that way. I remember distinctly the last words I said to her. They were "Leave me alone!" How I would love to take back those words. Not for her, she knew I didn't really want her to leave me alone. But for me, I wish I didn't have to remember those words. I had come home from work and she and my dad had just gone and grabbed Taco Bell for lunch and I was young and spoiled and a big brat and I was upset they hadn't grabbed me anything. It is still very ironic and kind of funny to me that her last meal was Taco Bell. She was such an awesome cook, but she still could enjoy crappy fast food. I am ashamed at myself for being such a brat. Later that afternoon I heard the sirens and didn't know at the time it was the fire department going to try to help my Mom. Soon after I got a call telling me to come home. I got there as they were loading her up in the ambulance and I could tell by the faces of the firemen that it didn't look good. They didn't take her the the hospital they we were familiar with because they were afraid that traffic would be to heavy and take too long. So I met my brothers at a unfamilar, old hospital and went in and found my Mom totally unresponsive and on life-support. It wasn't suppose to happen that way. The firemen and ER Doctors didn't have a choice but to try to save her, we didn't have a "do not resucitate" order at home. So we spent the next couple of days making decisions that are heart-breaking for a family to make and finally took her off of life-support. And wouldn't you know it, she was still looking out for us and started breathing on her own. I think she knew that my brother still needed time to accept that she was going to die and as soon as he was at peace she was able to go.

She was an amazing woman. The type of person that everyone who met her loved her. She was kind. She was gracious. She was beautiful. She was an incredible cook. She was an excellent homemaker. She was super crafty. But best of all she was my Mom!

There is so much I want to say about her, but I can't see through the tears to type. I miss her more this year than I have in recent years. Yet I feel her closer to me now than I have in a long while.

I was looking for some pictures to add to this post and found some cards she had written to me while I was away at Ricks and she still totally cracked me up. I am so lucky to have such an amazing Mom!