What Now?

I have been 40 for a whole day now and I have been doing a little thinking. It doesn't bother me to be 40. I don't feel old or anything like that. I sure as heck don't think I look 40, but what does 40 look like. Because I am 40, and this IS what I look like! I think that by 40 you should be pretty comfortable in your own skin and know who you are, where you have been and where you are headed. Maybe that is why 40 has kind of blindsided me. I have never been one to make big life goals like: be married by 23, be done having kids by 34, run a marathon by 45. I have led my life to the beat of my own drum. I didn't get married until I was 28, which by Mormon stardards is almost blasphemy. I didn't have my first child until I was 30. I have spent my 30's being pregnant or changing diapers. It is only 11:00am and I have already change 5, count them 5 poopy diapers! I am a little tired of changing diapers - do you hear me LaLa and Ham! So here I am and 40 -- and what now? Is this where I thought I would be at 40, I don't know. I look at certain aspects of my life and feel a little sad: Physically I never thought I would be as heavy as I am. I hate being fat, but I am to tired and lazy to do anything about it. I am tired of dying my hair. I like my gray hair, but I don't want my kids being teased for having an old Mom. And yes kids do tease other kids for having Moms that look old! I have had short hair for about 5 years and lately I am growing my hair out. Am I trying to look younger or is it just because getting my hair cut every month more work than I want to worry about? I really don't know. Emotionally I think I am at one of the lowest points of my life. I don't think I have completely recovered from Post-partum depression from having Ham. Plus there have been other issues that I am dealing with. I was doing really well, but lately it has been hard and I feel overwhelmed. Spiritually there have been things that have happened in the last year or so that have taken their toll. Things that I believed in and things that I thought were true aren't. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and he died for me. But I know that the Church is ran by humans and humans make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are small and can be overlooked and sometimes mistakes are big and they make you question things. And I still don't know where to look for the answers to my questions. (Please don't leave comments with advice - unless you have been where I am, you can't even understand the confusion and questions) As far as my marriage is concerned that is also at an all time low. I thought that person you married wouldn't just be someone that you thought you could live with, but rather someone that you couldn't live without. Not the most important person in your life, that should be yourself, but in the top 2. I don't think that I am that person to Big Daddy, and I don't know that I ever was. For a long time my happiness was firmly entrenched in Big Daddy's happiness, but recently I have realized that my own happiness is important (thank you therapy). I have also come to realize that certain things that I have allowed to happen in our marriage (treatment by in-laws, apathy by both of us, as well as other issues) can no longer be allowed in our lives. We have an incredible family of 5 beautiful children. They deserve parents that love each other as well as love them. A marriage takes work; constant work by both parties. I am sure Big Daddy will be upset that I opened up about our lives so much, but this blog is my journal and a little bit of therapy. Big Daddy please read it with an open mind and an open heart. Wow that was heavy! Now for the sweetness and light. I love, love, love being a Mom. I love my children. I love that Big J is getting old enough that he gets jokes. I love that Einstein is so smart and makes me look at things differently. I love Roo and the total joy that she brings to me. I love that LaLa comes and gets in bed with me at night, that when she is scared or lonely she wants to be with her Mom. I love that Ham says "Ma" and knows that when he is overwhelmed or LaLa is being mean to him that "Ma" is a safe place for him. I love that these 5 incredible people are going to make me better than I think I am. Am I a perfect Mom? No way. I yell too much. I expect maybe too much from them. Sometimes they drive me crazy and I just walk away and turn my iPod up loud so I can't hear them. But at the end of the day I love to walk into their bedrooms and see them sleeping and wonder what the future holds for them. Of course for LaLa I usually have to look in my bed to find her sleeping! I really do like myself. I am comfortable with who I am. I am learning that what I have to say is important and how I feel is very important. I know that to keep everyone around my healthy and happy, I have to be healthy and happy. I think I am fairly smart. Maybe not bookwise (I hate it when my kids have questions about grammar! Noun, verb, blah, blah, blah), but I have been blessed with common sense. I like that I am somewhat crafty. I like making things and making other things better. I really enjoy laughing and have a totally strange sense of humor. My life is good. Really good. It's fantastic. (Thank you Ignacio!) So what do my 40's bring - I don't know. I think it will be fun finding out.